I wrote this while incarcerated, when my thoughts had nowhere else to go.
This poem doesn’t resolve anything.
It just tells the truth of who I was trying to understand.
A Contradiction of Love
by Amy Parks
You say you don’t understand
Why I live my life this way
And I really don’t either
But I’m trying to explain
I am a contradiction
A dance of chaos and control
I crave the spotlight ’til it blinds me
Then fade into the fold
I lead until I falter
Then hide behind the line
While others race to meet the clock
I slowly run out of time
I succeed until I’m bored
Moving on before I’m through
I combine eloquence and sarcasm
I have to win until I lose
When it’s best to just keep quiet
I always say too much
When you’re waiting for an answer
I never say enough
I move into paralysis
Turn silence into noise
I balance all my clumsiness
And tumble all my poise
I whisper sweet nothings
Until in fear I yell in rage
I want you close until I need some space
My love a tangled cage
Don’t think I didn’t love you
I carried you inside
If I could do it all again
I’d never leave your side
I was lost in my addiction
A shadow I couldn’t fight
But you are the light I long to follow
The stars that guide my night
You never left my mind
Even when I turned away
I build walls to keep you safe
Yet crumble when you stay
I dream myself to nightmares
I make smart look so dumb
I long to hold you closer
But the fear keeps me numb
Please don’t think I didn’t love you
Because you’ve always had my heart
It follows you with all my love
No matter where you are
Don’t think I don’t remember
Your laughter, your first steps
The joy you brought still echoes loudly
Through the halls of my regret
Don’t think I didn’t love you
Or that you weren’t enough
You are a precious gift I cherish
But I broke beneath the weight of love
I’d trade my scars for second chances
To bring you joy without the sorrow
I loved you yesterday
I do today and will tomorrow
I still love you to the sun and moon
To the stars and back again
My love remains unbroken
Even through my sins
Don’t think I didn’t love you
It was something inside me
A void that I created
Then would not set me free
They say addiction is a disease
And now I finally know
Because if it had been my choice
I would have never let you go
I am a walking contradiction
But I take all the blame
Best intentions gone wrong
My only claim to fame