5/24/26 <-THIS IS THE DATE I ACTUALLY WROTE THIS LETTER!
Hello, hello!
Sorry it has been a few weeks.
Overall, things are going really well. Some days it probably sounds like my life is all rainbows and butterflies.
But reality still has a way of showing up.
The difference today is that I don’t completely melt down when things don’t go my way anymore. I take a deep breath, pray, and walk through the different possibilities instead.
The first big thing that happened was that I finally cut ties with my old boss completely. His ex called my probation officer AGAIN. No friendship is worth risking my freedom. I blocked him completely and haven’t spoken to him since. My officer wants me to file a no stalking order against her.
I am also no longer seeing the guy I kept mentioning. The one I lived with for a month.
Am I a little sad? Yes.
But mostly… I have my calm, boring life back. And it is peaceful.
I still fight loneliness sometimes. I realized I was using the attention of men, texting and going on a few dates, as a distraction. It wasn’t leading me anywhere healthy.
So this weekend, I went back to something I knew filled my cup.
Church. Dinner. AA Meeting. Back to my Saturdays with Hayley. I forgot how much I needed that.
Now for the hard part. I still haven’t seen my children. My sister and I are doing amazing and slowly rebuilding our relationship, but the kids still aren’t showing any signs of being ready for one with me.
My son finally picked up the car I gave him. I paid for the tag and registration, and yesterday he drove it home.
Then almost the worst possible thing happened.
The car (which never gave me one single issue) broke down halfway to his house after shaking and smoking. I was distraught. I prayed the situation would bring us together, but it has not. He still isn’t comfortable seeing or talking to me.
We communicate through my sister about the car, which is still progress. On Mother’s Day, he asked her to tell me how grateful he was that I paid for the tag and registration. Hearing that meant more than he probably realizes.
My friend is going to look at the car after work to see if it can be fixed or at least diagnosed. I paid for the tow home, and I will do whatever I can to help. I just want my son to know that if he needs me, I will show up.
I just don’t understand why the one area of my life that matters more than anything else always seems to be the hardest. Don’t get me wrong. I am incredibly grateful for my job, my recovery, my car, and the friendships God has given me.
But my children…
They are my heart.
After a good cry and a whole lot of praying, I decided all I can do is keep moving forward and stay grateful for the blessings I have today. I absolutely refuse to live in self-pity again.
It looks like I will be assigned my first travel assignment around the second week of June. I am nervous and excited. Mostly, overwhelmed. But what an incredible opportunity for a fresh start with people who know my past and still believe in me.
So…
Let’s go.
Oh! Did I tell you I got asked to be on another podcast? This one is for the coding program I completed in prison. They highlight success stories, and they actually asked me to be one of them. My episode airs June 5. What an honor.
I think that’s about it for now. Please pray that my son’s car can be fixed without costing too much. But even more than that… Please pray for my relationship with my children.
I love you all.